[Poem] Teacups in Early December

“Teacups in Early December“
©leo.banares

I sat in front of this microchip-filled monitor…

As I gaze upon the words—

Starting to write itself,
Bleeding its way out of my mischievous mind.
I sat at a table—

In an old, worn-out café,
Looking at the paint-chipped walls,
Rusty-legged chairs.
I sipped from this teacup—

Full of words and memories.

A chill went up my spine,
Made me shiver, almost dropped my cup.
I then hear music,
Coming from the antique jukebox—

–“Oh please, say to me
you’ll let me be your man
and please, say to me
you’ll let me hold your hand.”

Memories started to come back,
As a gust of wind passed by my sight.
And un-noticing, it sucked my soul.

I went back months—

–cool winds,
Warm sun,
Blinding light.

The rays of the sun,
Reflecting itself on the cold,
White,
Snow.

Then I saw you,
Sitting in front of me.
In this old, worn-out café.
I touched your black hair,
And remembered everything.

We were drinking the same tea,
The song playing on the jukebox echoed—

–“Oh please, say to me
you’ll let me be your man
and please, say to me
you’ll let me hold your hand.”

In a snap, I came back…

The memories were lost…

This place,
This old café…

This is where we first met…
You smiled at me…
While sipping your tea.

The chill,
Of the early December winds,
Fought with the heat from this unflavored, hot tea.

6 cups of hot tea…
6 days of uncertainty…
6 years of hiding…

I came here…
Once again…
To try…
With all my might…
To forget—

–forget all the memories we shared…

and go,
Move on…
Forget you…

I can’t lie to myself anymore…
I can’t say that we’re meant to be…

So here I am…
With 6 cups of tea in front of me…
In this month of freezing winds…

Sitting,
Thinking,
Watching,
Writing—

–writing this poem,

This senseless, useless poem called,
“Teacups in Early December.”

[Poem] Living in Your Melancholic Lies

“Living in Your Melancholic Lies“
©leo.banares

The years passed me by,
Sitting on a cold February air.
Time went sailing on,
Leaving me stuck—

–stuck-up,
Fed-up,
With your lies.

Sad,
Really sad.

Pictures from memories,
Tearing itself apart.
As you went on,
Looked back,
Walked away.

Your deafening footstep,
Slowly making its way,
Through the cold,
Rough, wasted, asphalt.

I wished for Polaris,
The northern star,
To guide you,
Light your path—

–never leave you.
Guide you.
Take care of you.

Even though you left me.
Bruised, battered, cold.

Your dreams,
Stuck in this world I’m in.
I tried to stand,
Hopeless, I fell.

I tried to scream,
Silence.

Seconds turned to minutes.
Minutes into hours.
Hours into days.
Days into weeks.
Weeks into months.
Months into years.
Years into eternity.

I lived in this world you created.
I swallowed everything you gave me.
I took it all in—

No fights,
No reclaims.

I took every little inch of your sanity.
I took it,
Stole it,
Kept it.

But you are too strong—

You took it back,
Kept it,
Hid it.

I suffered,
I waited.

My dreams torn apart—

–torn by your immature,
Selfless imagery.

I waited for you’re next move.
My awaited end in your society.
Your own make-up world.

Now I know.
I know who you really are.
I knew after spending—

–my whole futile life in your—

—Melancholic Lies.

[Poem] Handcuffed Memories

“Handcuffed Memories“

©leo.banares

 

Sitting…

Staring blankly at the paint-chipped walls…

I kept silent…
Tormented by the memories,
Scared, manipulated.

I ran away,
Went to a park…

And once again,
I found myself…

Sitting…
Staring blankly in a cracked pavement…

Memories…
Memories I rather not remember…

I force myself to forget…
I force myself…

Leaving traces of broken glass,
Wandering,
Going nowhere…

Memories of You and me,
Memories I want to forget,
Memories I want to erase…

I still remember the day,
I first met You…

First I didn’t believe Your existence…

I thought to myself,
“Who are You?”
“Why did You die for me?”

I was blinded by my memories,
These memories that made me hate You…

Dislike You…

After years of searching who I really was…

I saw You…
Talked to You…
Gave my heart to You…
You’re the only one who listened to me…

You comforted me,
You made me feel stronger,
And now I believe You…

You died for me…

A stupid worthless, human being…
Your life is not worth it…
You could’ve just let me be imprisoned….

But You set me free…
Free from the lies of reality…
Free from these memories…
These handcuffed memories I wanted to erase…

I lied to You,
I pretended I didn’t see the suffering You did for me…
But still, You loved me…

You’re my savior,
My companion,
My brother,
My friend…

I tried to change…
I tried to go on…
I tried to live on…

[Poem] Recurrent

“Recurrent“

©leo.banares

Moonlight shining through the dark clouds,
every bit reflects a memory of you.
strewn across an endless maze,
your gentle words linger in my ears.
you left without saying goodbye,
tears fell but i learned to hold it back.
your silhouette slowly fading away,
and i felt joy.

for once i learned to love myself,
to appreciate who i am and to be myself.
i tried to change who i am,
just for you to accept me.
my friends were there to support,
to tell me to move on and let you go.
i did, i did it well,
and slowly, you were gone.

you became a fragment in a broken mirror,
strewn across the floor.
lost in every inch of the cold, dark, pavements of my mind,
you were there, lost, cold, forgotten.
then the sun shone on me,
you reflected light in the recesses of my mind.
after months and months,
your fragments slowly picked themselves up and made you whole.

you talked to me with your gentle voice,
you looked at me with your calm eyes.
then i was there, standing,
standing in front of you not knowing what to say.
i do not know what to feel,
‘cause i have forgotten that feeling a long time ago.

here i am, slowly picking up the broken fragments,
of feelings i used to feel for you.
i’m confused, i dunno what to feel,
i dunno if i should still love you.
all i know, is i miss you..

‘cause i loved you before,
but you let me go.

 

[Poem] Being Random

“Being Random“
©leo.banares

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong in a certain place?
Like you’re still looking for that place that could make you feel that you fit in.
Have you ever felt that life is unfair?
It’s like you’re stuck in a bubble that you can’t burst.
Hindering you from doing what you want.
Taking your freedom, locking you away from reality.
Have you ever felt that you are only a small speck of dust in the world?
Like you don’t matter to anyone.
Like you’re invisible to the naked eye of people you thought were true.
Have you felt that the world is going down on you?
The instances that what you want doesn’t happen;
What you hoped for doesn’t come?
Have you ever seen yourself as someone who is useless?
No matter what you do, it always felt wrong.
No matter what you say, it all seems like a lie.
Have you ever dreamt of being someone you’re not?
Like someone who is popular being sought by everyone; just to escape reality?
Life’s full of lies that make you think everything is true. Ironic isn’t it?
Life gave you what you didn’t want to see.
It spread its soothing lullaby, etching across your horrid mind.
Words can’t really explain what you feel.
The pitter-pattering of questions lingers on your head, and you STOP!
Questions are answered. Answers you wish aren’t real.
Then you look back. You see yourself filled with selfish aura.
Your eyes turned black. And suddenly, you disappear.
Traces of your existence vanished. And you got what you wanted.
Now you fit perfectly in the place you are in.
And millions and millions of companions support you.
You’re no longer you, but a star, a shining star strewn across the velvet sky.
And you were happy.

[poem] 9:52

“9:52“
©leo.banares

If the stars would fall in the morning,
and the sun would shine at night.
If the rivers flow up-stream,
and the oceans turn sweet.
If the moon sleeps at night,
and wakes up in the morning light,
I’ll be loving you.
Impossible as it may seem,
My love for you will remain real.
Even if the fire turns cold,
My love for you will remain forever.
Hold me close,
and never let me go.
I promise forever, I will remain true,
and show you, just how much i love you.

[poem] Drifting

“Drifting“
©leo.banares

enchanting fortress,
semantic synergy of words unspoken.
gloomy nights and misty skies,
i watch as you drift in front of the abandoned church.
you went inside, and kept still.
holding in your hands a candle stick.
you slowly move, towards the altar.
a spark, a flash,
a blinding light shone above you,
then it disappeared,
leaving you holding that piece of candle stick.
you were dressed in white,
humming a tune full of misery and anxiety.
i listened, painstakingly.
as i watch you drift again,
towards the empty confession box.
i hear you, groaning, crying.
i kept still, sitting in the last pew of that abandoned church.
then i was startled by a noise,
“dong, dong, dong” it goes.
then i heard you stop,
you stood up and drifted away.
“dong, dong, dong” the church bells ringing inside.
i wondered.
it was dark and gloomy,
the night engulfed the day when i saw you.
you’re still drifting, going in circles.
then i hear a patter inside the church.
i saw silhouettes, near the altar, dancing.
then i saw you again, inside, still holding a candle stick in your hands.
you went near the altar, then you disappeared.
daylight struck the floors of the abandoned church,
and lights reflected everywhere.
i stood up, looked behind me.
i saw myself, sitting in the last pew, staring, waiting.
i was pale, unconscious.
then i heard a soft lullaby calling me.
then i find myself, drifting towards the altar.
where i first saw you.

[Poem] Five

“Five“
©leo.banares

i can’t sleep,
nocturnal paradigm of endless dreams.
i stay awake.

thinking of your fragile face,
such calmness in your eyes.
i hear your soft voice,
whispering, calling to my emotions.
i feel your light touch,
running through my face, my hair, my heart.

your silhouette creeps through my mind,
as the night devours my only day,
i see you, your smile.
it lingers on my crippled mind as i wait for you,
to come, and set me free.

i can’t seem to reach out to you.
i can’t seem to let all things pass me by.
i watch you singing a soft lullaby,
luring me to sleep.

i can’t help but close my eyes,
as i imagine you…

and me, dancing through the night.

you take my hand, as i held you close to me.
we sing, we danced, we let everything pass us by,
but i woke up. and realized everything was only a dream.

you stood there, in line, waiting for your turn.
as i hold my breath, you disappeared.
and i took a glance on the wall clock,
and it was five.

[poem] Broken

Broken

sitting here
waiting for the sound –

–of your voice

singing,
calling me.

i hear the pitter-pattering –

–of children playing –

–hide and seek,
looking for you.

i watched as the leaves
slowly fall from the trees
masking the pale pavements
with green and amber.
i counted every second that passed me by
as i waited for your call.
i waited and waited, silently.
your vivid voice lingers in my mind.
telling me that you still love me,
like before, you still do.
but that ended just a mere hour ago.
your ‘goodbye’ was the most painful,
saddest word i ever heard.
my heart was torn into peices.
my mind churned in horrid ambition –

–i still love you.

you walked away as if i was nothing.
you left me lying, broken –

–on the pale pavement.

i hear your footsteps echoing
into nothingness.
as i watched you walk away,
i got up, pulled myself together
and i –

–sat down.

looking at the crimson skies,
as i wait here, sitting.

©leo.banares

[poem] stain

“Stain“

i was white.
white as i can ever be.
i have no one to turn to.
i have no one to run to.
this sick blankness of immortal reason,
held me locked inside this black and white season.

but then you came…

you came and changed everything with a simple –

–stain.

you changed everything.
you put colors in my blankness.
and now i’m complete.

your stains swirled into a pit of unending whiteness.
and there you stayed.

you filled me up with crimson sun
and breezy blue and you made me new.
you colored me with tangerine
and evergreens and made me ecstatic.
and you, you…

…you made me feel complete.

with just this teensy, weensy bit.
you changed my life with your –

– stain.

©leo.banares

[song] i miss you

“I Miss You”

leo.banares

seeing you in my dreams
longing for you in my days
hold me now
and don’t let go

day dreaming about you
seeing you everywhere
i wish to be with you
and be beside you always

(chorus)
coz i miss you….
i miss the way you hold me
i miss the way you kiss me
i miss you.. i miss you.. i mis you..

please stay with me
stay until the time comes
the time when you’re…
you’re gonna leave me

(chorus)
coz i miss you….
i miss the way you hold me
i miss the way you kiss me
i miss you.. i miss you.. i mis you..

[poem] why?

“Why?“

Is there a reason why you left?
Please tell me now that I’m ready for death
To lose you was the hardest thing for me
You are the one I loved from eternity

Why don’t you tell me the reason why
I’m begging you to please tell me why
If you don’t love me anymore
I can’t do anything anymore

I know that from the start
I never really owned your heart
I saw you sitting there with him
I felt this urge to curse him

But something else was hindering me
I remembered you are there
I ran back home thinking what to do
I thought of killing myself will do

I looked for something to drink
And drank it up upon a sink
I got a knife and slashed my pulse
For I don’t want to be saved anymore

Before I made that suicide
There was a letter I wrote
When you came home
You saw me there by the letter I wrote

You are shocked to see me
Lying on the floor with a knife
You saw the letter and got it
You opened it and softly read it

“at my funeral please don’t cry,
just tell me the reason why,
you tricked me into believing
that you loved me from the beginning”

So here I am sitting
I am right here waiting
For that answer to my question
“why, what’s the reason?”

©leo.banares

[poem] sa huling oras

“Sa Huling Oras“

Kay lamig ng simoy ng hangin
At aking naaalala ang pagsasama natin
Sa tawa at iyak, lungkot at saya
Ikay kasakasama kahit san man magpunta

Nang aking aamining ika’y aking mahal
Ika’y dahandahang lumisan sa aking pagmamahal
Bakit kay sakit ng iyong paglisan
Tila ako’y binaril sa aking munting puso

Napagisipan kong magpakamatay
Para matapos na ang aking buhay
Para ako’y wala nang mahalin pa
Dahil ika’y minamahal pa

Sa huling lagok ng aking hininga
Aking dinarasal na sana’y ikay magpakita
Sana’y masabi ko sayo ang aking nararamdaman
Na ako’y masaya kung ika’y may iba nang minamahal

Sana’y mahalin mo siya ng lubos
At huwag siyang paglaruan ng lubos
Siya na sana ang iyong napiling mahalin
Para ikaw at ako’y lumigaya na sa tingin

Nais kong makita ang iyong mukha
Mukha na kay ganda tila isang santa
Nais kong mahaplos ang iyong mga kamay
Para ako’y masayang mamamatay

Sa aking libing nais kong makita ka
Masaya’t hindi umiiyak dahil saking pagkawala
Sapagkat ngayong kapiling ko na
Ang ating tagapaglikha

Aking tatanungin kung maaari ba
Ako’y maging iyong anghel
Sapagkat ayokong ikaw ay makitang malungkot
At nais kong makapiling ka pa ng matagal

©leo.banares

[poem] romantic’s suicide

“Romantic’s Suicide“

Four years i courted you
Now I ask you this
“Can you be mine?”
“NO!” goosebumps took over

“NO!” the most dreaded word
My worst nightmare
My love why is this?
You found a better one than me

Problems piled up
Nothing to do but wish to die
I close my eyes
I got a knife

I pointed it at my heart
Stabbed myself to death..
Blood dropped..
blood gushed out..

Time stops
Everything goes black
Moans, groans and cries i hear
“Goodbye my love!”

©leo.banares

[poem] not a dream

“Not A Dream“

I once met you in a group
A club, a party, a gathering
I can’t take my eyes off you
I felt different when I look at you

I think I’m falling in love with you
But I’m scared to tell you this feeling
I don’t want to hear if you reject me
So I’ll keep it till I’m ready to

One gathering, night or day
I saw you there pretty as always
I thought of telling my feelings to you
…Then I saw you approach

I looked at your face
So nice and cute
You told me something…
… I didn’t hear

“I like you…” what? Is this true?
You…you…Like me too
I can’t keep it anymore
Now I know that you feel it too

“I like you too…” I told you…
… You smiled at me and said:
“When I first saw you…
I already liked you…”

I thought it was just a dream
I pinched myself hard then,
Ouch! This is real…
I’m so happy now that I know…

I like you…
You like me…
We like each other so…
Do you think there’s an “US”?

©leo.banares